Friends and Lovers

IMG_0233Dear Bill O’Reilly,

I hope you’re well. I hope the holidays so far have treated you kindly. I hope your Thanksgiving turkey was cooked just so and that your menorah is shining in your window. You must be relieved that the liberals haven’t taken Hanukkah from you.

My Thanksgiving was very nice. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written, but I met a Swede named Rasmus who made me think of you. He was born in Finland and spent the first two years of his life in Santa’s Village. He showed us pictures of Santa having a swell time, wearing a cardigan sweater, sledding down a path of ice, laughing with children. I made a mental note to write to you and let you know, as Rasmus said, “Santa is allowed to have fun, too.”

Rasmus swore he wasn’t one of Santa’s elves, though he wears a handle bar mustache and a cravat. He’s just a regular old gay Swede who popped in for a drink at The Stonewall Inn and left with a pink-cheeked, drunk street-artist on his arm. The street-artist is friends with my friend Alexis. Which is how we ended up together in Alexis and Grega’s apartment, eating and drinking.

Our friend Katie was there, too. You’ll be happy to know that Katie has taken a lover. She announced it at dinner. She is very happy with him.

There were others, too. A country singer, an art photographer, a music booking agent. The conversation was lively and intelligent. The food abundant and lovingly prepared. It was good to be with people I sort of know.

After Katie and the street artist drank many glasses of scotch and wine, Alexis changed the music to show tunes. I tried to tell her that show tunes are not allowed in my life outside the workplace, but I was drowned out by Katie and the street artist who were singing at the top of their lungs. Rasmus joined in, too, as he has performed in many choirs in Sweden. And so, defeated, I laughed and endured a medley of show tunes which, I have to say, was very heavy on the Les Mis and Disney musical selections.

Katie seems so happy with her lover, I started to think maybe I should take a lover, too.

I’ve had a few bites on the internet, but I’m not sure if I’m meeting the right types. They seem more interested in my sock puppet references than they are in me.

There was one guy, Dean, who sent me an interesting email. Here’s what he said:

“Hi! I’m Dean and I must say it’s a pleasure to meet you! :)”

I liked that he has manners. And a clever use of grammatical symbols always blows me away.

“I’ll start off by talking a little about myself… I m 6’4″ and I got to say, I love the height because it’s made my life so much easier…”

Which is great because I love my height and think it’s made my life so much easier, too!

“I am a fun-loving person who likes to have a good time and make the best out of any situation…”

I love that he’s a fun-loving person who loves to have fun!

“I am also an honest guy and being honest means a lot to me.”

We might run into a little problem there. I’m very honest, except with the people I date.

But we can work that out.

“As for you, I’ve read through your profile and think that you and I would be a pretty good match for each other. You seem like a nice person who is down to earth and to be honest your (sic.) one of the prettiest girls I have seen on this website hands down.”

First off, there he is, being honest, which is so cute, but his reading comprehension and math skills are a little lacking. He’s twenty-one years old and I’m forty-three and specifically state that I’m looking for someone between thirty-nine and fifty-two. But, I mean, age is just a number, right, Bill?

“Let me be honest with you before I conclude this message… I love to go down on women as it is one of my favorite things to do (I can do it for hours on end… not a joke and this is a deal breaker if you don’t like to be gone down on)

“Let me know what you think and hopefully I’ll be hearing from you soon.”

I don’t know, Bill. Maybe I’m getting old, but taking a lover seems like it might be too much work. I don’t think I have time to lay there while someone goes down on me for hours on end. I mean – maybe if I kept a note pad and paper by the bed I could get some work done? I guess?

I did respond to him. I thought it only fair. He asked for my input. I didn’t want to not acknowledge his offer…

“Dear kid,

you are super creepy. You might want to try a different approach if you ever want to get laid.”

I think I’m doomed to enjoy an oral-sexless holiday season.

I hope you get a lot though! ;)…

Merry Christmas and happy holidays! May your winter season be bright.

And thanks for being a friend.

yours always,


creepy kid 3