Advice

Pretend this is Chuck.

Chuck is a friend of mine.

This is Leah.

She’s a friend of mine, too.

Patrice.

We just started working together. She’s very cool.

And Butch.

Butch grows persimmons.

I love Los Angeles.

We’ve been spending a lot of time together. And since they all work with hair, they love to give advice. Especially advice on love.

I filled them in on my dating progress.

The subjects:

1. Christian Slater Latex Man – I went out with when I first arrived to Los Angeles. He is very cute and he made me laugh, especially with the photos of women in latex he sent me after our date.

2. Touchy Feely – We went to the dog park together. After my dog got attacked he was kind enough to try to hug me. Many times.

3. Miscommunication – He’s a vegetarian filmmaker with a bad cellphone.

4. Smiles – He “liked” my picture. I “liked” his picture. He made me a “favorite,” I emailed him and told him I liked his smile. He said he liked mine. We have plans to meet for coffee.

Me: Leah, I might go out for a drink with Christian Slater Latex Man on Monday night. I really like him. What should I wear?

Leah: I would go with something simple and casual, but flattering to your body, for example, a good pair of “jeggings,” which really flatter the figure, and a low cut top, not slutty, something that flatters the clavicles. And, if all else fails, latex.

Me: Chuck, would you be able to eat Thai food after witnessing your dog being trampled by five other big dogs while on a date? If so, what would you order?

Chuck: I would say …yes. Though I would order something mild like…tofu in peanut sauce or, if raging, PORK ON FIRE!!! Remember, he’s already seen you cry.

Me: Patrice, if I go out on a date with Smiles, do you think I should skip letting him know that I take the bus? Do you think this could be a major turn-off for my dates?

Patrice: I think you should tell him you have your own personal driver who likes to remain anonymous because, that’s so L.A.

Me: Butch, do you believe in signs and synchronicity? If so, what does it mean that my cellphone doesn’t like my date’s cellphone?

Butch: Yes, I do. The cellphone misconnect is the universe giving you it’s opinion. It’s up to you to decide if you want to communicate via email instead.

Thanks, guys! I feel so much clearer now.

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